when being here feels so worth it
Today was one of those days. One of those days when missing Nick or longing for a chat with one of my best friends seems no more painful than a minor bruise. Not because I talked with Nick or ate ice cream and chatted all night, but because all the gut-wrenching hardness of being here alone felt so gloriously worth it.
One of Prang's sisters, Suk, sat with us while we ate fruit after dinner (rambutan's – if you've never eaten fresh ones, the 6 unripe pieces you can buy at Trader Joe's for $4 are a poor example of how great they are!). Suk nervously told me she had something she wanted to ask. I knew exactly what was coming, so I smiled and told her "Sure, go ahead!" As I expected, she wanted to talk about borrowing money to build a new house. Some of you reading this blog have seen the house she, her 2 kids, and her husband live in. Her family jokes that when it rains hard, her house will wash away. In all honestly, it's probably not far from the truth. Prang built it for her with old wood, sheet metal and about $200 when Suk came home asking for work.
Before this year Suk often moved around looking for work or a new husband. One day she joked that usually in Thailand, men are leaving for a new woman, but she was the other way around. She would leave for a new man. For quite some time, she has talked about staying here and building a permanent house. I thought if she got serious, she'd probably ask to borrow money from me. I didn't think she was serious enough.
Now it seems she's serious. I get the sense she's ready to be here. She's ready to build her family, to work with Prang, to help people in the village. Since I'll be gone soon, I may give her money with the plan for her to repay the ministry instead of me. I think she'll be motivated to repay her loan knowing it will enable everyone here to help more people. I'm not sure if or how much I should lend Suk. But that's not important tonight. Because Suk asking for a loan isn't about money, it's about a change in heart. And a change in heart is priceless. It's why the father gave his irresponsible, immoral, prodigal son his best robe and threw him a feast when he returned home.
...seems anticlimatic to keep writing, but I have to... Prang's youngest sister, Nah, who just had a baby boy, came in the kitchen too. I asked her how she was feeling, if she was tired. I knew the answer was yes, but just wanted to show that I cared about her and noticed how hard she is working to take care of her baby. The answer was more along the lines of "I feel really pressured."
I told her I thought she was amazing, and I was impressed with how much she was enduring. Taking care of her baby without his father must be extremely difficult. Yet everyday I noticed how she continued to endure in order to love her son. She got a little teary, said thank you, and went outside to eat dinner.
She came back after everyone had left. I was washing dishes alone. She started crying, "MEEkayLah, thank you so much for understanding me. I feel very hopeless, very weak, very tired. Taking care of my baby alone is so difficult. Thank you for understanding me. I feel so weak because I feel like no one understands me, no one notices how difficult it is for me. I don't have a husband to share my pain. When I'm tired, I still have to wash clothes by myself, hold my son by myself, do everything myself." She hugged me, crying harder. I don't think she's ever hugged me before. I was crying too.
"Nah, I see you everyday and see how much you're enduring for your child. I understand only a little of what you do, but God understands everything. He knows how difficult it is for you to take care of himalone, and I really believe He's going to bless you for it." She asked me why I was crying. "Because I see how much you're enduring. I want to help, but I don't know how. So I'm trusting that God will bless you because He sees everything."
"MEEkayLah, I think I can understand you, too, when you cry. I understand how much you miss Nick, and everyone at home. I feel the same way. I miss the child's father, and my friends in Bangkok. When I see you cry, I cry too, because I can understand how you feel. When I see how much you endure, I am encouraged to keep going. Thank you so much for understanding me."
God's words to Moses about His plan to rescue the Israelites out of slavery have been coming to mind often lately. I think God really wants to remind me of the fact that just as He indeed saw the misery of his people thousands of years ago, heard them crying out, knew their suffering, and had come down to rescue them, so He sees and hears us now. He knows our suffering, understanding what no one else can understand, and has come to rescue us. I do believe and hope God will pour out His blessing on Nah. She is indeed suffering much right now to raise a baby boy alone. And while I can't understand everything, and surely can't rescue her, I can trust the God who can.
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Reply #1 on : Fri June 13, 2008, 22:03:57